I have been very reflective the last few weeks. Decided to read some of my old blog posts. I am posting several of them up over the next few days. This one is close to a year after I learned about the incest and became a single mother. I have an updated list to post later, too – it’s post-criminal trial self-destruction steps.
Lately, I have found myself lonesome. So much so, to think of it now makes me want to cry.
I see couples at church holding each other on a pew and I seriously have such a myriad of thoughts that it’s embarrassing to think of all the crazy going on up in this head of mine and all the emotion bursting in my heart. I could pass over those thoughts, and spare myself some embarrassment from my jealousy, bitterness and whining, but where’s the fun in that for you?
So, here’s the typical thought-process when I see a couple in church or happen upon engagement or wedding photos from my friends (feel free to follow them if you feel like tearing your house down):
Step #1: Instant sadness mixed with thankfulness. My mind wanders to all the hopes I had when I first married Dr Horrible. I almost always think of making my way to the garden where we were to be married, with my dear friend, Samwise, and whispering, “he’s so beautiful” with tears in my eyes and a big smile on my face. I remember our first year of marriage, that while it had ups and downs, in comparison to the following 6 1/2 years, was actually a very good year. I think of the few moments here and there over the sad years, where Dr Horrible would do something sweet, and I would be held captive by him for a moment, hoping that it was the beginning of a turn around. I treasure that first year and those rare moments, even now.
Step #2: Jaded memory-lane. I then, of course, think of the following 6 1/2 years, filled with Dr Horrible’s abandonment, non-provision, lack of touch, drug abuse, alcoholism, and his hidden, secret sin that I learned of in November 2009. I think of how I kept on hoping, praying and pleading with God to turn my husband’s heart back to Him, back to me, and back to home. I remember the night’s of sleeplessness, waiting up for him, hoping he was okay and not dead on the side of the road as the result of a drug deal gone bad. I think of how he lied to me time and again about his drug problem, all while my red flags were popping up, and unknown to me, his parole officer was receiving dirty UA’s. I think of him not looking for work unless he needed a fix or some booze, and working just enough under-the-table to bring home $20 for a week of food for 3, and the rest was spent on alcohol or drugs. How he didn’t care that we had no phone to keep up with family (since he could mooch a phone call from his ‘friends’ when he wanted), that rent wasn’t paid since we moved into this house even though he made me think he was working for the landlord, and so much more.
Step #3: Bitterness. This inevitably leads to bitterness that I chose such a terrible man. And I can say with confidence that he was a terrible man. He chose to be. God definitely loves him, and Dr Horrible has the chance to change, but right now, he’s a dirtbag. There. I said it.
You know what this bitterness for one man causes me to do? Question every other man. Wonder why if I want a good, God-fearing man so much, I end up being attracted to men that seem so good on the outset, but are so… wrong.
Step #4: Jealousy. Why do other women get to find men that provide, protect, lead, love, cherish and serve the Lord with them? What’s so wrong with me that I don’t have that?
And this leads to the final part of the cycle… but remember, it’s a cycle, so it just comes back around. This is the very worst part of the cycle, one that wreaks havoc on the entirety of my life, and you will see why.
Step #5: Questioning. What if their men are just as disgusting and evil as Dr Horrible was, and they are hiding it? What if they have hidden, secret sin from their wives as Dr Horrible did from me, his family and his friends? How many of those wives’ I see being held in church or smiling happily with their fiance in engagement pictures will have shattered dreams, betrayal and constant dishonesty at the hands of the one man they wanted to be one with more than any other human being? While Dr Horrible did many terrible things that were not hidden, the one thing that he hid from me was the most repulsive, vile thing, and I never imagined when I married him that he could be capable of what he did. But he did it. How many of my girl-friends will have this happen to them as well?
Or, maybe there are good men out there, and God has them for many women… but not me. And right there is the most dangerous place to be in my heart-life. To question if God is holding back good from my life. To wonder if He loves me enough to send someone to love me as much as I want to love in return. To feel as though God wants me to have every night of my life be a lonely night.
This has caused me to recluse in my cave away from my friends, become physically sick, and push away my dearest friend in the whole world that has been so loving, supportive and wonderful to me in the time after November 2009. Worst of all, it has caused me to question God’s goodness, His plan, His love, and His desire to give me good things when I continue to trust in Him. It’s poison.
I know that thought pattern is destructive. Prayer has been fervent this last week about breaking it. Even this morning in church, I felt all of those things wash over me as I saw couple’s holding each other. I felt like jumping out of my skin, getting out of the church right that second, and going out into the country by myself and weeping, screaming into the wind how lonely and scared… and lonely I have come to be.
I could delete this post right now. Part of me wants to. But that will just keep hidden in the darkness what I have to bring to light, that I have to let go of, that I have to overcome through Jesus the Messiah.
Deleting this would be my own undoing.