Tag Archives: faith

Happy New Year


How important is it for modern Christians to understand the Biblical Hebrew calendar? I’m not sure. I just know that as I learn more about the Biblical months, the more in awe I am, the more intricate I see God’s plans, the more miraculous I see the every day, and the more I feel a sense that it is important for us to know… His signs.

The Biblical Hebrew calender is based off of the lunar cycle, acknowledging all the governing lights, including stars!
Genesis 1:14 tells us that the lights of the heavens were given to us not only to mark the passing of time, but also to mark celebrations for His people AND as signs.

Nisan is the first month of the Biblical year. It begins on the Gregorian calendar (devoid of marking God’s signs) on March 17 – happy new year!
Nisan is connected to the tribe of Judah – the fourth-born son of Leah and Jacob. After three other sons that Leah desperately thought would draw her husband to finally love her, she had Judah and she said, “now I will praise the Lord.” It was as though she knew her husband would never choose to love her and she chose to praise God anyway. She bestowed that strength on her son, Judah, as well.
In Genesis 49:8-12, Jacob blesses Judah and says (NIV version), ““Judah, your brothers will praise you; your hand will be on the neck of your enemies; your father’s sons will bow down to you. You are a lion’s cub, Judah; you return from the prey, my son. Like a lion he crouches and lies down, like a lioness—who dares to rouse him. The scepter will not depart from Judah, nor the ruler’s staff from between his feet, until he to whom it belongs shall come and the obedience of the nations shall be his. He will tether his donkey to a vine, his colt to the choicest branch; he will wash his garments in wine, his robes in the blood of grapes. His eyes will be darker than wine, his teeth whiter than milk.”
Nisan is the month of Passover. Many of us do know that it is a celebration in the Hebraic faith of the Holy Spirit passing over the homes of Jewish families who had sacrificed a lamb and marked their doorframes with it’s blood, when the Plague of Death of the Firstborns went throughout Egypt – sparing their families. It is a celebration of their liberation from Egyptian slavery.

Here we have, culminating in the first month of the Biblical new year… the lion and the lamb. I am sure there are quite a few Followers of Christ that know this, but I am quite new to learning about Biblical Hebrew months and this connection of the lion and the lamb made me tear up!
And that is just one aspect of only Nisan.



State Holydays

Over Memorial Day weekend, Daryl and I met a military family while we were at the rental house. The wife brought up the holyday and I shored up through prayer. But it was in that blessed interaction, I realized again how unfamiliar that average American is with these holydays.
These are moments for reflective sorrow – men lost their lives, believing they ensured your freedoms, believing things men who are unwilling to get their hands dirty themselves told them, believing the blood upon their hands was outweighed by the end result of humans across the sea not doing something anymore – at least, for a little while. Perhaps long enough for their children to move out of the house.
Her heart was troubled by a local store on FB wishing everyone “A Happy Memorial Day!” She couldn’t understand how this had become a day for hot dogs and swimming pools opening and getting tipsy with your neighbors, all while everyone was laughing and celebrating. She contacted the store and told them how horrifying that message is to military families.
These holydays are not for rejoicing. They are, for many people, days for reflection and sorrow that lives were lost… lives that God loves. God doesn’t divide His love between Americans and Brits, or Australians and Kenyans. He loves each one, and murdering a Swede or a New Guinean is as much murder as an American or German. It doesn’t become not murder, not lives stolen, simply because the borders don’t surround you.
I can’t light off fireworks during Independence Day any more than this sweet wife could fathom doing it on Memorial Day. Any war or bloodshed holydays are not a time for rejoicing, but weeping and shame and gnashing of teeth.
The irony of it is, how many people joyfully celebrate state holydays such as Independence Day, in which “our people” rebelled against the governing authority of England, and claimed our own sovereignty. These same people claim that if you don’t like the government here… “if you can’t stand behind the troops” – which is far worse now than what England was doing before 1776 – then you can always leave and “stand in front of the troops.” They clamor at more domination from a government they pretend to celebrate liberated them from the likes of British rule taxing our tea.

It is a depressing irony, rich with more than most will allow themselves to fathom.

The Beast We Feed


There’s a horrible multi-headed beast living in a particular region. People all around it are terrorized by it, bemoan its aggressive ways, but continue feeding it over and over again. Sometimes people at the back feed it more and it vomits on their loved ones at the front, who in turn scream at those in the back. Sometimes the people in the front feed it more and it poops on their friends and neighbors at the back, who scream at those in the front. Sometimes it’s weight becomes uneven and crushes people on the sides, who scream at those in the front and back overfeeding the beast.

When someone steps back from the crowd and says, “what the crap? I’m feeding a beast that threatens my family, friends and neighbors every day! If we all stopped feeding it, it would die!” They are ridiculed, hated, and spit at. They are told they do not care enough about each person feeding the beast and they are letting the beast have victory by not feeding it.

It’s not only okay, but good, to refuse to take part in feeding the beast that crushes all of us. Tell me (and all that refuse to vote) to F’off. Tell me I’m not a good citizen of this place or of heaven. Tell me while your face turns red, you spout hatred for your neighbors, and bemoan that others fed the beast with you. That hateful defense of feeding a beast that enslaves you in your every day marrying, eating, procreating, building, playing, working… It only shows me more and more how my not feeding a beast, even if a measly handful, is good.

I love you, even if you take my life yourself because I stopped feeding the beast.


“Now listen to them; but warn them solemnly and let them know what the king who will reign over them will claim as his rights.””
~ ‭‭1 Samuel‬ ‭8:9‬ ‭NIV (italics my own)


When The Heart Isn’t In It


Many times I have heard people justify not following one of His commands because if they did, they would not have the “heart” in it, they wouldn’t be joyful about it, etcetera. Most of the time, it’s even talked about as God’s will for their life simply because He allowed them the free will to choose it, despite His Word speaking plainly against it.

I’ve even said I didn’t have the heart, myself, at one very specific point. I remember saying it about forgiving the lawyers and jury when the criminal trial came back not guilty for a man very much guilty and needing to be kept away from children – that my heart just wasn’t in it, and so I couldn’t forgive them then.

Obedience to God is not just doing the actions He commands, but following His commands with the heart He has called us to cultivate.

Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.

~Psalm 84:5

So many times, so many reasons:

  • If mom/wife stayed home without a paying career, they would be bitter and feel unsatisfied.
  • If they taught their child(ren) at home, they would feel stressed out, so it would just be “best” to send their kiddos off (and not have to deal with any sin issue in their own heart or their children’s).
  • If they were to witness to others, they would feel nervous and “do a terrible job.”
  • If they trusted God with their fertility, they would “go crazy” (His children are supposed to have the *mind of Christ,* so it seems difficult to me that a genuine Follower of Christ can “lose their mind,” when they have so strong a foundation)… if God wants to work through all their methods of birth control, sure they’ll “accept it,” but until then, they’re going to work really hard to prevent the children He designed to be the biological norm for marriage and that He calls wealth and blessings, while they work hard to accumulate financial “wealth,” which God calls a curse.
  • If they stayed single and celibate, they would lose it and do something terrible in another area.
  • It’s just too difficult to forgive… we wouldn’t really mean it (let’s forget we’ve been forgiven for far more by a gracious God).

“If I did X, Y, Z that God calls all Followers of Christ to, I would not be able to _______ or I would not have ______ in my heart that He tells me to have. I can’t obey Him AND have a content heart in this!”

O LORD, teach me how you want me to live! Then I will obey your commands. Make me wholeheartedly committed to you!
~Psalm 86:11

But… we’re called to do both… to both obey Him and do it with a joyful heart… and relying in His strength, we can.

Why do we so often justify inaction and outright disobedience to His commands for blessed living, based on our emotions? Thinking lately of the many times I have done this, heard this from others, and the countless times in human history it has been done… it makes my heart sad that we are such hypocrites. We say we are Followers of Christ, but when He calls us to live certain ways that we don’t really want to follow, we justify ourselves instead of admitting we are in rebellion against His commands. We are merely Believers in His sacrifice, but refuse to be true Followers of Christ (“You believe that there is one God. That’s fine! The demons also believe that, and they tremble with fear.” ~ James 2:19)

What we fail to realize is that God’s commands are NOT to burden us. They are to help us live beautifully. His plans are best, yet we act as though we know better. Constantly.

I am so encouraged by Followers who live out God’s call. My friend, Marie, said something awhile ago that encouraged me that there are beautiful, willing hearts for the Lord:

I’m learning how important it is to read the bible, not to be a ‘good Christian’ (not a good enough reason), but because it is filled with the important stuff God wants us to know in order to live fully in this depraved world, not trusting in the way the world thinks, but trusting in His ways.

I pray I allow God to cultivate this in my heart, that I choose to cultivate it in my own heart – that God’s Word can be trusted to guide us to full living and He can grant us joy in the midst of obeying Him.

Energy Matters – The Science of Relations


In Dressing Your Truth, I’m a “Type 4.” I look at the world in black and white terms, am closed to who I trust (especially since having back-to-back happenings of severe betrayal from three sets of people I trusted or wanted to trust, compounded by my nature), I think about everything a lot, twisting it over and over in my mind to understand it as fully as I can.
Many times in my life I’ve had these “aha!” moments, where several things I’ve been thinking about collide and I see it’s inter-connectedness. This is something DYT system says is the most common for Type 4’s, as it is a part of “deep, still waters.”

It wasn’t until the last few years that I read Charlotte Mason’s writing about the “science of relations,” which is what I’ve been doing (and everyone does to varying degrees) my whole life, thriving on it, without having a term for it.

When Stryder was a newborn, he had a tongue and lip tie that made nursing painful, just as his sisters did. We decided to have them revised with laser, as we could see the choices we made without enough information, prevented nursing to biological normal ages. In my researching, I found that cranial-sacral therapy (CST) was strongly recommended by many parents who had their children’s ties revised, prior to and after the revision. I didn’t fully understand the explanation of CST, despite reading about it multiple times from multiple sources (this is my secondary Type 2 showing!).
I was able to get Stryder into a laser specialist 5 hours away, when he was about 1 1/2 week old – there wasn’t much time to get in for CST beforehand.
After his revisions, I was able to get him to a CST specialist. I prayed before each appointment that God would heal him of anything causing tension or pain, and make nursing a blessing for both of us. I saw wonderful improvements with his sleep (he’d actually nap each day he had a CST appointment – he was not a napper and still is not), crying, and how he moved his little body.
I was astounded at what I saw at our first appointment. Maybe most would not be astounded, but I know I have several friends and family that will think it’s not possible… or even that it’s “evil.”

(Background: When I was in my early 20’s, my ex-husband – who I was then married to – taught me a very little about pressure points. I had no problem accepting its reality and did not think it was evil.)

In our first CST appointment, the Dr used a pressure point between my eyes to show me I wouldn’t be able to hold my arm up when he applied mild pressure to my arm with one of his hands and light pressure between my eyes. I could not.
Then he told me that pressure and energy can tell us what is going on inside our bodies. But, that it is harder to gauge young children or the physically disabled in the same way, so he often uses someone else to tell him what is going on with the client’s body.
I held Stryder while he used my arm – touching Stryder’s pressure point between the eyes. I could not hold up my arm.
I went home, a sleeping Stryder in his car seat, freaking out. I kept telling Daryl how crazy it was, that I just saw Stryder’s energy flow through me… and that sounded like New Age garbage… but I saw it, it had no sense of evil, and it *worked.* Daryl was excited because I finally was seeing what he’d been saying – that God works through energy all around us, it’s in every living thing on earth…. things before, I dismissed as “off.”

Almost a year later, I was telling a friend that I was ready to, but struggling with moving forward in trauma-healing, recovering from severe PTSD, and forgiving people who had wronged me, Melody, and Daryl at various points from the criminal trail and forward.
She sent me the books Feelings: Buried Alive, Never Die and Releasing Emotional Patterns with Essential Oils.

Feelings, I expected, could help me process through some difficult issues, but I didn’t expect what else happened.

Join me tomorrow for the continuation of this journey of mine, in Faith As Small As a Mustard Seed.



A few weeks ago, I began reading Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker, with a small group of moms on Ambleside Online’s forums.

After reading the first chapter, I instinctively went to the department of corrections website for the state Dr Horrible last lived in, as he had been on parole, and I wanted to see if he had moved near us again. I was astonished to find that after over a decade of violating his parole at various times and in various ways, his new parole officer had *finally* been someone who did their job of “protecting the public,” and had put a warrant out for Dr Horrible’s arrest, for a violation. I didn’t know what it was for, only that he evaded it for about 4 months, then was caught.

Melody didn’t know what I was looking at on my tablet when she saw my jaw dropped, but she asked, “what is it, is it ‘Dr Horrible?'” My sweet girl is so intuitive. I shared with her what I’d found out and we wept together. She said, “I feel safe for the first time in my life.”

That day, I could not get the image of his mother holding him as a newborn. I’m certain that she did not gaze into his eyes and think, “one day, this boy will grow into a man who molests children, be a drug addict, and doesn’t work.”
I’m sure she loved him and looked at him, full of potential and possibility. I began to pray for him like this.

A few weeks have gone by and I suddenly felt compelled to do an internet search for Dr Horrible’s mother. When they spoke against their 8 year old grandchild at the criminal trial to blindly defend a man who had already murdered one of their grandchildren, I made a very difficult choice to protect Melody from their denial.
I found that several months after Dr Horrible’s warrant was issued, before he was caught, his mother died.
Too many emotions to process through, days later… despite her defense of a man constantly caught and proven as willing to break the law, she was a kind woman to my face even when she had problems with me, while I was married to her son. Which is far more than I have received from Daryl’s mother at any point in my knowing her.

I lay in bed last night thinking how sad it must have been for her. Dr Horrible caused the death of her first birth grandchild, and then through his molestation and her denial he robbed her of her second (and hopefully last) grandchild. She must have seen this in a small way, especially after he violated his parole and she was faced with his problems yet again. I felt sad for her… loving this little boy, grown to be a man, who would throw his life away, break so many people down, and rob her of her chance to be with her grandchildren… and then to leave this earth, not seeing his repentance and redemption.

I lay in bed and prayed God would show me two things. One, if I should contact Dr Horrible and tell him that regardless of whether he admits his wrong that I forgive him so that *I* can be free and that I hope he can be free in Christ someday, too. I also prayed that a way would be shown to me to speak to the parole board and basically say that I don’t agree with breaking people down in a prison and I want restoration for Dr Horrible, I also don’t want him near children until he is willing to admit his actions and seek help.

This morning, I received what seemed like a serendipitous call from the state’s victim services, for victims of people who are incarcerated or on parole.
Rather than be shaken, I was calm and focused and accepting, when I was told he was at that moment being released and they wanted me to know.
It was during this conversation that I learned why he violated parole. He admitted to assaulting a co-worker. For that, he received 6 months. Then released. With a remainder of 10 years on his original sentence to serve parole for.
It was told to me that he hasn’t actually been charged with the crime *yet,* but it is in the works… which means that he may go back to prison for this very act that violated his parole.

Had this been told to me a year or so ago, I would have been terrified that he was out again. But, God is bigger than this. I can see Him working, and I have only seen His goodness in the midst of humanity’s evil.

This day, I was released from that fear. Recognizing that I was not leaning on my own understanding/terror, but entrusting our path to God, felt like…. a very brief glimpse beyond the mystical veil… it felt comforting and awakening all at once.

I can only pray that Dr Horrible will soon find glimpses like these, too.

We all indoctrinate


Awhile back, I was having a relaxing time with some mama friends, while our children played together. It had been some time since I’d spent time with either of them, so questions revolved around updates, really. Both are public school moms now, so it was interesting to hear the phrase from both of them, “I’m so glad they are doing this. It’s exactly what X-child needed and they are so happy.”

It’s so strange to hear parents say this, for me. It also makes me sad for them and their children.

If you don’t mention “school” to your children, they will invariably hear it from someone else. Children are curious, but I’ve met very few 4 and 5 year olds who actually vocalize that they *want* to leave their home and be away from their parent 4-8 hours a day, 5 days a week.
What I have seen is parental build-up. We talk up all the “cool” things that going away means, without mentioning the negative aspect at all. Like, neat friends to play with (that, in a year they’ll either be separated from into different classrooms, or be chastised for talking to while in classes the brunt of their day). Such as the adventure of learning (to standardized tests). Such as recess (inside a fence, generally, set at someone else’s discretion)!! How fun!

All of those things can (and should) be experienced anywhere…. more often, and honestly, outside of an institutionalized setting. And generally with delight rather than an eventual dread or sense of drudgery.

All of these are things that they could be saying the exact reverse of, if they chose to be the kind of person (I have not yet met a mother incapable of it) they know is required of homeschooling:
“We’ll be starting a learning schedule this year, but you’re still going to get to hang out with the neighbor kids, Mrs. Linsky at the retirement home, and the kids at gymnastics, plus you’re going to start to meet new kids of all ages when we all chose to put homeschool community activities in our schedule. You’re going to get to make and spend time with so many new friends through homeschooling, while keeping your current friends!”
“You know how we’ve been counting buttons, taking nature walks, and listening to folk songs? You’ve been learning this whole time – and you get to keep exploring this whole wide world! I’m so proud of your curious nature and desire to learn! It’s pretty cool, huh?”
“It will only take 1-2 hours a day, then the rest of the day is free to play, read, draw, help around the house, dance, whatever we want or need to do. We get to control our own day, each day.”

I think, though, that most parents don’t realize that they have indoctrinated… conditioned and prepared… their children to “be happy” with the parent’s decision, regardless, anyway.
If I am to be honest, we all indoctrinate our children, for better or worse, and that includes me.
I would rather my children learn the message that it’s healthy and good to be a family that grows together, especially through the struggle of every day rhythm than the alternative message that we all need extremely large breaks from one another 5 days a week to function as a unit, that breaking up the family unit so regularly and for such long periods of time is “for the best” or will make any one of us truly “happy.”

I do not want to teach my children that “peaceful” family life comes from being apart… because, from experience in my own life, and watching others, I simply know that is not true. It’s cognitive dissonance, to tell ourselves that sending our children off for so long is what “works best for all of us,” when the reality is so very different.

Mothers who say that to homeschool their teen was causing their teen to act out, so *giving them what they wanted* was the most peaceful thing for their home –

Mothers who say in one breath they love their (growing, curious, needy) kids and in the next, “but” they couldn’t stand being home with them all day long… but could tolerate obnoxious (knowing-better) adults all day in a “fulfilling” job situation –

Mommas who say they dread summer vacation, because their kids “drive them crazy” –

Do all mom’s need breaks sometimes? Sure. But 9 or more hours out of a child’s 13-14 waking hours, 5 days a week? This is not a short break, it’s a complete disconnect for most of a small child’s waking hours, the majority of a week.

I’ve found myself feeling overwhelmed before, contemplating a change from homeschooling. I’m not immune to sinful thoughts or feelings, a desire to have someone else deal with an unruly, mean-spirited child the majority of their day. I also don’t try to pretend that the desire I once had to send them away, was right or good. It just was what I was going through. It made me dig into the Word of Truth, cry out to God, and be once again convicted that His written will for families to be together, is for a reason and He can be trusted.

Trusting Him truly *has* been exactly what our family needs, and while we are not always happy, as we strive to serve Him more, we find more joy and contentment, together. This is true for everyone who surrenders to His will for family with a spirit of joyful obedience.