Groaning

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I wrote this on my old blog, about three weeks after Melody shared with me she had been molested. I recently thought of this post when I engaged in a conversation about happinoss versus joy, and heard a song that’s new to me, which I shared earlier last week.

 

anguishThere is never an “appropriate” time to talk about our situation. It will always shock, offend, make awkward, and bring sorrow to the hearts whom hear it.
You might not believe this about me if you’ve read through any of my heated topics on here (my old blog), if you don’t know me personally, but I don’t talk with an openness about difficult things. I will listen to other’s stories, I will cry for others with them. I do not speak face to face very often with brokenness over things I feel are difficult for me. Even when I do talk about difficult things for me, I smile. No pride. I want others to not worry, want them to be able to maintain their own sense of calm.

I trust God, and that is the only reason I can smile or laugh about anything these days. So it comes as a surprise to me that with those that I trust and love, I am pouring this situation forth freely. I simply cannot do this on my own. I cannot do this without support.

Each day I wake up and I hear my own voice screaming inside my head. Like my inner self recognizing my need to scream and release, but my inability to do so as soon as I wake up next to Melody, as I wash the dishes, when I cook dinner, or when I am talking with others.

On the night all of this started, I allowed myself to put a movie on for Melody, and then I went into the car, where I could see our door (and make sure she didn’t come out) and cried. I screamed. I begged God to tell me why. I called my parents in tears, told them what was happening, and for the first time in my life, I started blacking out. I didn’t quite go there, but it was close. I remember my Dad telling me to breathe.

When I don’t want to cry, I feel as though I very easily could, and I hold it back almost always. I don’t want to freak Melody out, make her worry, etc. When I want to cry, it doesn’t usually come and I feel like a robot in that moment.
I did allow myself to cry in front of Melody once so far, because though I don’t want to cry excessively in front of her, I also know that some crying in front of her is good. It lets her know that it’s okay for her to cry too.

I’ve trusted God in the easy times. Yet I haven’t just given Him lip service, but have tried desperately to serve Him, even when other’s said it didn’t matter as much as I saw that it did (does). I trust Him now. I cling to Him. I don’t talk to Him any more or less than I did before, but my prayers are so different than I’ve ever known them to be. Even when I went through other difficult things, I have never seen my prayers be like this.

When I was on the phone with my Dad that first night, there were many times during my telling him, that I stopped speaking. I started talking directly to God and almost zoned out from talking to my Dad. I would say a few words to God, and then, for the first time I can recall in my life, I groaned to God. A deep, gutteral groaning that came from the very pit of me.

I am thinking back to that night with tears in my eyes, not just because it was a difficult night, but because I truly believe that is what “praying in tongues” is – as Romans 8:26-27 says, “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.”

This is so raw, so deep, so unbelievable… that all I could do in the fresh knowledge of it was allow Him to speak for me through my groaning.

My prayer life is deepening. I am glad for it, but I wish I didn’t have to experience the growth as the result of such a price to others.

Romans 8 goes on to say in verse 28 that “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
I don’t know what good God has in store for Melody and I, but I trust Him, and I know that even if our good is only on the other side of eternity, it is worth it to trust in Him.

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