Fragility Needed Here


Five and a half years ago, after becoming a single mother (and not stating that it was due to learning about the molestation), I wrote about trusting God’s provision when obeying His written Word. I hope it may encourage someone now.

You know, I’ve been thinking upon how utterly difficult this situation is over the last week or so. Not just feeling it, but looking at it as objectively as I can. This would be a situation that I know even many Christians would say is a “gray” area of life.

While this is difficult, I do know that God has all the right answers for this. He is not going to leave me to flounder. I truly see Him as decisive, while showing many creative outlets within that amazing “black and white” stability.

I know that His Word is true. He will not command all older Christian women to teach the younger Christian women to be chaste, filled with grace, to keep at home, to love others with abandon (and by implication, Greek, Hebrew and Aramaic understanding, and logical thinking, all younger Christian women are to follow the teachings), and then not make a way possible to do just that.

God will not make this situation impossible for me to obey Him through. I can still love others, can still be modest and pure, can still be a keeper at home, can still be graceful and kind. If I see no way to do these things, it is not God allowing the world to make it “impossible” for me to obey, but rather, that I have simply not seen the ways to obey.

God has already clearly provided me understanding to see ways to provide for my little family from home. God has brought a little man into our life to watch and minister to (something I am still grappling with is how to minister to his family and put an awareness to his mother about trusting God to provide for wives/mothers through staying at home – God will also provide without this bit of income), a lady in want of home-cooked meals that desires to pay for them, and my natural living supplies business is slowly but very surely taking off (a local natural food co-op has picked up several of my products!). Every wife/mother that decides to trust God and keep at home will have a different looking situation. Not only in their financial need, but also in how God will creatively reveal Himself in how they can contribute to the family income from home.

God has provided through the Body to meet needs outside of what I am making from home. When the last bit of the financial puzzle is put in place (a boarder), I will no longer require the help of my family or Church on a financial level. However, I am thankful for this time as much as it humbles me. I had not yet seen a church or community of Believers actively live out God’s command to care for the widow. And now, I have seen it, felt it.

I had become hopeless that many other Christians would fulfill that command… but I have a deep knowledge that a great number of His people do listen to this very specific command.

(While my husband is yet living, understand that what is going on is grievous and it is as a great loss to myself and Melody. It is as though he has died. We have come upon a sudden and terrible tragedy that took him from us. He made it that I would be a widow, devoid of his presence and provision.)

This situation has required that I have a fragile heart. God requires that I not be strong at all moments, but I allow myself to grieve.

I believe that is why I became so sick a little bit ago. I became physically weak and exhausted, I was in pain, and the realization that my husband was not there to help me was overwhelming.

I cried frequently during that last Thursday I was sick. I had cried only once in front of Melody before that, not allowing myself to cry any other time before her, to be strong for her. But that day, I could not stop crying. I look back and know that God wanted me to grieve. He wanted me to be able to be fragile and breakable before Him, and to allow Melody to see that need sometimes too.

Having a fragile heart is not just about emotions. It’s also about trust. When I said many times before that I have seen God to be “black and white” and the world is gray… when I have said that I see God’s command to keep at home as a true command for all wives/mothers, and that He will provide a way for women to obey that command…. I have to be willing to trust that when times really are tough. Trusting through “impossible” times truly breaks the human heart. It is a struggle to trust and obey. It’s not easy or fun most of the time when things are pressing you in on all sides and your humanity cannot always hear Him clearly.

I desire to have a fragile heart. I do not for a second wish to have a heart in any other state of being.

I desire and pray for your hearts to be willing, to trust and obey, even when times are tough, and it seems like the way is blocked and impossible. God makes a way for you to obey Him, for all to obey Him.

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