In 2009, three months after Melody told me what Captain Hammer and Dr Horrible had been doing to her, I wrote a post about mourning. An excerpt was:
“I walked down a rose garden path to meet my new husband just about 7 1/2 years ago, filled with hopes and dreams, planning to spend my life with him, entrusting my (and his) future generations in his hands.
If you’ve read any of my posts on marriage before all of this happened, you know that I have firmly believed there’s almost no reason to get a divorce for a Christian (even citing Exodus for not divorcing due to domestic abuse – God says that domestic abuse and divorce are both wretched and one does not justify the other). I have always believed, however, that there are times, and sometimes long times, that separation is necessary… such as adultery, domestic abuse or substance abuse.
I did not at all imagine, walking down that garden pathway, that there would ever be the one door in life that would open up to allow divorce. Yet here I stand at that doorway.
Once I walk through that doorway, I can’t go back. It’s a door that will close, and forever. I am scared. I am terrified that the man I loved, trusted and obeyed (well, for the most part) during our 7 1/2 years together has become a monster in my eyes.
And yet, deep, deep down… I love him. Not just who I remember him being, or who I wanted him to become again, but that man right now.
It leaves me so confused. I literally am repulsed by him and am drawn to him in one breath. I dream of him at night and long for those dreams to be my reality… when I wake up, I find that it’s life that has become my nightmare. I would rather stay awake for all eternity and remember that this is real, than to dream those dreams again. All they are is an illusion of what I thought we could have.”
That post came to mind as Melody and Leela were watching Adventure Time, and an actually very beautiful song was played, called Dream of Love.
I did not dwell on that old post for long, as seeing the little old lady elephant in her kitchen made me think of my grandparents and how my grandfather must have missed my grandmother that way after she passed away… and tears began streaming down my face. To be loved by and to love someone the way my grandparents did – I finally experience this with Daryl – it is beautiful to be broken together this way. Daryl is my best friend… to be parted from him at any point in my life will feel too soon. I felt so grateful that I saw this love, broken together, from my grandparents and my parents.
I felt overwhelmingly thankful that I have had 5 beautiful years now with Daryl, to be able to hear that song on a silly cartoon and be moved by it… because I have been loved so well by a good man and he has accepted my love in return. In late 2009, I could not fathom my life beyond sheer survival, much less to imagine life with a man seeking after the Lord, who loves me so well. I want to savor every moment I have with him, with our family. They are gone in the blink of an eye.
God is good.